i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
