I can tuck mytits in my pants
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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