We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
