fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
