Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
