Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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