We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
