her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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