Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
