But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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