just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Every concussion has its silver lining
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
