What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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