allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
