My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
