If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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