the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
