i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
