i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
