I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
