i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
