Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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