last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
