I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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