Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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