I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
