Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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