i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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