Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
