I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
