i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
