Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
My balls are so social today.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
two words...techno handjob
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
