I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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