I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
