well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
