Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
