I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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