The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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