Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
