The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
