The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
