I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
