She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
