do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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