Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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