so explain again why im purple
no
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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