So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
