How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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