I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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