just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
