She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
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