Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
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