Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
