and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
