I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
