Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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