Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
