the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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