Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
