everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
