Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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